Loneliness and Deep Friendships in Global Ministry

By Sue Eenigenburg

Loneliness is almost a given for cross-cultural workers. But so are deep bonds. Experienced worker Sue reflects on how God purposefully uses both in our lives to shape us.

Loneliness

Loneliness in cross-cultural ministry is 99% guaranteed. On a recent call with global women, we talked about loneliness. We were from different generations and different birth countries. We served in different corners of the world, yet we all felt well acquainted with loneliness. You wouldn’t think anyone would feel lonely when there are people around. But sometimes the crowd emphasizes the sense of aloneness.

We described loneliness with words such as “disconnected,” “unknown” and “unpursued.” Serving across cultures ensures that each of us will deal with all these. We know them well as we undergo deep-felt aloneness that we can’t seem to cure or alleviate.

Disconnected: Due to moving from family and friends, we will feel disconnected, and we must start over in building new relationships. Learning a different language and culture opens doors to new friendships. But it takes time and patience on both sides to keep those doors open. It could be that once you start to feel a connection with your team, the person you feel closest to moves. Or you move. And you start all over again. Multiple times.

Unknown: Our families know us, and we have a shared history. Our teammates and friends overseas know us, but they don’t see the full picture of who we are. As we serve overseas, our family still knows us, but they don’t know who we are now and how living abroad has changed us. We are known in different ways in different places by different people. And there are pieces of us that somehow fit into who we are today that no one fully knows or understands—including ourselves.

Unpursued: Everyone is busy. We balance family ministry, community ministry, all the ins and outs of living in a foreign place. Sometimes, when we move to a new country, people greet us and know our name. The relationships start on a superficial level, and they can stay that way when no one puts in the time and effort to pursue the friendship, to take the time to get to know us, to dig deep. When relationships stagnate, we wonder why. We even start to question our worth if no one is seeking to get to know us. We look around at others and assume they don’t feel lonely. Or do they?

So, what do we do about it? First, we talked a bit about what not to do! Don't depend on phones, scrolling away for hours. Don't escape to our rooms and wallow in isolation. Hiding our feelings doesn’t seem wise, but we sometimes carry our burden alone. We feel ashamed of our loneliness since we mistakenly view it as a weakness. It feels juvenile to say I’m lonely and I need a friend. We desire friends, but sometimes our unhealthy attempts to deal with loneliness can increase it.

We then shared what we could do. We could lean into Jesus and be even more intentional spending time with Him, deepening our relationship with the Lord in times of purposeful solitude. We could take the initiative and invite people over more regularly. We realized that while waiting for friends, we can learn to be content in our circumstances. Could we come up with a non-threatening way to invite others to share if they feel lonely, too?

We concluded that we could be more open and share our feelings of loneliness with teammates. But to do that we must overcome our fear that we would be seen as a burden or someone to pity. We could go broader and ask our prayer partners to pray with us and for us as we seek friendships.

A closing thought was that if we weren’t currently feeling lonely, we needed to be on the lookout for those who are. It takes courage to admit loneliness. If that admission falls on deaf ears, it might not happen a second time. As members in the family of God, we must keep our eyes and ears open for those who need a special touch of kindness. And in time, that special touch of kindness might return to us in our own time of need.

But it isn’t just loneliness we experience in global ministry, we also develop deep friendships.

Deep Friendships

Strong bonds form when you are trying to do the impossible together. Facing challenges where nothing is easy and everything is hard forces global workers to depend on each other. We see each other at our worst and sometimes at our best. We get to know each other’s strengths and weaknesses. We encounter stressors that no one understands better than our teammates. Through laughter, tears, disagreements and resolutions, deep friendships emerge.

I remember when we went back for our first home assignment after three years overseas. I shared at a church that I wouldn’t have made it through that first term without my team. My teammates saw me struggling and stepped in to help. They invested in me, showed hospitality to me, babysat my kids, showed me where and how to shop. They walked with me from knowing nothing about my host culture to becoming more comfortable. I could share things with them that I would share with no one else and they listened and cared. They saw my anger at times and gently confronted me. My teammates knew me on a deeper level than even some family members. Why is this and how does it happen?

Connected: We were all led by God to serve him in a foreign place. We experienced culture stress together. We learned a new language together. We reached out to friends in the community together. We prayed together weekly, sharing our hearts, fears and joys. We had unexpected adventures together.

When a teammate’s daughter got injured, we had to find a hospital in the small town we were visiting. We stood in the foyer praying together, aware of the feral cats that roamed the hallways, and saw God answer prayer. He provided good medical care for her despite the unsanitary conditions. As we prayed, we knew we were in this together. Us and God.

Known: We knew each other well. We discussed theology, vision, strategies, child-rearing and relationship struggles. We learned how to live and serve in a culture far different from our own. Our conversations went deep. We invested time in praying fervently for one another and our ministries. Because we didn’t know the culture well, we learned together. We celebrated successes and grieved our losses—and we all knew what those were. My teammates loved my kids like they were their own, and I loved theirs. We were aunts and uncles, feeling known in a close-knit community. From that community we served the Lord, reaching out to share the gospel with others who didn’t know Him.

Pursued: Because we all knew what it was like to feel alone in an unfamiliar place, we chose to be intentional in our friendships. We all experienced the hardships of moving, settling in and feeling lost in a big city. I think we’d all been cheated or robbed at some point in our careers. When I needed help, I knew that I could ask for it. When my friends needed someone to come to their aid, they knew they could go to any teammate. We would do all we could to help, and our team leaders reached out to us to help orient us, inviting our questions about life and ministry. We were on the receiving end of much love, service and thoughtfulness.

This isn’t to say shallowness or disagreements never cropped up. Conflict is unavoidable on teams, but the goal is to work through those conflicts with love, patience and forgiveness. As we do, the bonds that are formed will strengthen. Sometimes, though, teammates leave. It can hurt. Or despite lots of effort, teams fall apart. Possibly, they felt led to serve elsewhere and had to say goodbye. We felt sad when teammates left whatever the reason. We felt a little sadder when it was due to differences that couldn’t be overcome.

But, looking back at my time on the field, I remember more profound friendships than I have experienced since. When dangers came, whether an earthquake or police interviews, we went through them together. We trusted God together. We knew we could share our deepest fears and darkest doubts and still be loved.

When global workers leave to serve abroad, they go from feeling known to feeling unknown. Loneliness is in stark contrast to what they knew at home.

But this is also true of global workers who have developed deep relationships on teams. Loneliness hurts even more after experiencing such meaningful connections.

But we are all loved by God, and He has a heart for the lonely. We read in His Word, “God sets the lonely in families” (Psalm 68:6, NIV). He cares for us and invites us home.

No experience of loneliness or connection is ever wasted. God purposefully uses both in our lives to shape us. He gives us hearts to pursue the lonely since we understand how it feels. We are also eager to welcome others into community because we know the richness of being known.